Author: Jack Ito PhD
Article:
Are you married, but wishing your relationship was more like it
was before you were married? You are not alone. When a
relationship starts out, both men and women are interested in
making a good impression, getting a positive response, having a
good time, and increasing intimacy. The relationship feels
exciting, the lover appears like the perfect match, and the
desire to commit to each other is high.
Following the marriage commitment, the very same things that at
first made the relationship so exciting are the very same things
that fall away. After all, why work on making a good impression
if someone has already committed their life to you? For men
especially, often the highest level of intimacy they desire
(sex) has already been obtained. Why put in even more time
talking when there is no greater intimacy to be had and there
are other things to do? On top of this, the things that were
previously fun activities for the couple become routine (even a
rut).
When a child comes along, focus on each other tends to turn to
focus on the child. Although this as first renews sharing and
adds vitality, it later increases the routine, decreases
available time and energy, and increases stress. For this
reason, couples are encouraged not to have children until their
relationship is stable and strong.
Becoming roommates rather than husband and wife is usually a
gradual process of gradually increasing emotional distance. Once
this distance reaches a level that is uncomfortable for both the
husband and the wife, there is a crisis. Depending on the way
the crisis is managed, the couple continue to be roommates, have
increasing conflict until breaking up, or redefine their
marriage to allow for a positive change.
Redefining or renewing a relationship is the process of moving
closer together. There are three components to creating a
healthy relationship:
1. CHANGING VISIONS--Either the husband, wife, or both need to
clearly discover what kind of relationship they want to have. So
many couples become embroiled in trying to fix the problems,
that they never really stop to consider what they want. A
counselors will often use this problem focused approach that at
best can get people back to where they were before. A
relationship coach, on the other hand, will use the technique of
creating a vision. Visions, desires, and goals, pull us toward
them in a positive and exciting way. This makes for the
possibility of an entirely new type of relationship to replace
the old.
2. CHANGING BELIEFS--One of the most debilitating beliefs is
that one's partner must change before the relationship can
improve. The fact is that one person must make the first move
and that person can be either partner. It is not necessary to
have a simultaneous start up. For example, a person who is
unhappy in their marriage may find that by changing their job or
starting a new hobby, they become happier with more of a zest
for life. This, in turn, can make them more attractive to their
partner. Misery loves company and when one person refuses to be
miserable and makes positive life changes, the other partner is
often pulled in that direction without any kind of coercion.
3. CHANGING STRATEGIES--People do what they know how to do. This
means that they try to use the same strategies as in the past,
but this time hoping to achieve different results. Even when
couples put 100% of their effort into reviving their marriage by
returning to what worked in the past, they will more than likely
end up in the very same place. Trying harder to achieve
different results using the same methods does not work. The
number one strategy for creating a better relationship is
getting help and support from someone who knows how to do that.
It the person you see in the mirror has not had success in the
area you want to improve, do you really want to put all your
trust in his/her methods? If someone wants to quit smoking,
which do you think would be better--hoping that you will develop
the urge to quit smoking, trying to quit alone, buying a stop
smoking self-help book, or committing to meeting regularly with
an expert in smoking cessation? What would be the best strategy
for achieving a healthy relationship?
An exercise that you can do now to begin changing your vision is
to get a piece of paper and a pen. Write at the top of the
paper, "My Dream Relationship." Pretend you are not married.
Imagine your fairy godmother grants you the wish of the man or
woman of your dreams. Write down what that person is like
physically and emotionally. What will you do with that person?
Where will you go? Where will you live? What will your daily
life with that person be like? The interesting thing about this
exercise is that when husbands and wives who are emotionally
distant do this exercise separately, they actually come up with
many of the same ideas for their dream partner. When couples are
distant, it is not usually because they want different things,
but because they don't know how to get what they want. Working
on these areas of common desire with new and effective methods
will bring new spark into the relationship and create the
potential for more lasting, positive change.
About the author:
Jack Ito PhD is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach.
Download a <a
href="http://www.greatrelationshipcoach.org/guide.htm">Free
Relationship Planning Guide</a>
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href="http://www.greatrelationshipcoach.org">Free Great
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href="http://www.greatrelationshipcoach.org">Relationship
Coach</a>.
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